i love hate it.

I cut my hair, wayy back in october.. Unless you knew me from before that time, you probably dont understand how significant that was for me. My hair!! I loved it.. i did and i still do. but before i cut it, it was the best.. it was, pouffy, curly, long, fabulous! Oh, and it was BIG. Think P!nk in the Lady Marmalade video, yea.. that big. I could pull the curls straight and it was the length of my arm. I knew each and every individual curl, I even had a favorite. My friends loved it, i was like a doll.. they would just play with it, braid it.. even attempt to comb it.

It wasnt just my friends who loved to play with it.. there's something about curly hair that makes people forget all their manners. On the bus, at the air port, in class.. people see curls, they automatically want to bounce them, to touch them, to fluff them up.. to pretend that the owner of that hair didnt wake up two hours early to get it that smooth, then attempt to run their fingers through it.

Anyway, Imagine my life, having to plan around that? I always wore my hair up.. always. It was SO much easier than dealing with people who wanted to touch it (and getting up two hours earlier in the day to deal with it). I'm very low maintenance (i know it might not seem like it but i am!) and I just didnt have the time or patience to really do a lot of crazy styles with it. (Long story short, i really just dont give a fuck)..

I remember growing up, I was the only little black girl in an Inuit community.. my hair was the only afro hair.. my mom had no idea what to do with it. We used to cry together while she attempted to comb it (we laugh about it now, but it was pretty traumatic for both of us).. I remember one day, after i had started combing my own hair (well past age 11).. she randomly said to me "Panik, I was SO happy when you started combing your own hair".. So was I mom. lol

Anyway so.. to get to the point.. When i cut my hair, it was a huge step for me in my life.. it was like a new beginning.. like growing up. I felt different after i cut it, like somehow i was more.. i dont know what i was more of actually.. but it certainly was different. I hated it.

I hated it so much, i hated it. I just dont know how else to say it..lol. it was so.... . . . . . short.. it was the length of my fingernail pulled straight.. i thought i looked like the Jackson 5.. it didnt help that my dad did the moonwalk every time he saw me that day. I cried for about 3 days, i mailed my hair to Angel Hair for Kids and told myself that someone will be so happy to have it.

So, 9 months later? what do i have? I have hair that's an awkward length and i have no clue what to do with it. All my go to fixes are irrelevant. I cant quite put it into an elastic (well i can, but it looks funny), I cant stuff it all under a beret, and the days of hiding under scarves are loong gone (it's too thick for most scarf-y styles to look good and it's too soft to hold anything on).. and it's too long for just a headband to look decent too....

But here it is.. in all of it's short/long/not-too-sure, pouffy, frizzy, curly, crazy, Macy Gray-esque glory...... . . . .my hair. i love/hate it.