eat, sleep, breath CIRCUS!

wow.. this has been such an incredible 2 weeks for me i dont even know where to begin..

I travelled to Kuujjuaq on august 6th, and from then until now, I've had all night parties, I've been on stage, I called over 50 teens and their parents, helped run a circus camp (yes CIRCUS camp), discovered abilities and leanred about myself from true friends, I was in the hospital, I was 'mommy', i was 'friend' and 'discipline-er', I met SUSAN AGLUKARK, I made amazing friends, I've discovered my inner circus freak, I worked 14 hour days, I went to sleep thinking about 'my kids', I had a melt down, I worked 3 weekends in a row, I just.. wow.

Ok, so i'll start from the very very start.. when i was young (like 3-4-5ish) I LOVED the circus. I was that baby that could climb tables before i could walk and once i did master alking, i learned fast that skipping and dancing were more fun. I could bend over backwards and climb all the way to the top of the rope.. I was bouncing off the walls. Can you imagine how much I loved the circus? I loved everything cirque du soleil.. i breathed it.. i worshiped those people that could fly through the air, stand on shaulders and bend in half.. I always felt like i was one of them.. or the same kind as them.. or something.

Anyway, fast forward a couple years and imagine me at home doing nothing at 11pm on the computor.. I get an email from Sylvia asking if i want to work with the upcoming CIRQINIQ circus camp she's been creating.. no second thoughts.. i was like "YES YES YES YES" ( i believe that was my response email lol)

I got here a week before the camp started to help with the preliminary stuff (registrations etc).. so i was calling all the kids ( i call them kids, they were 13-17) and talked to each of them over the phone, I learned tehir voices and their names and when they got here i was able to remember most of them :).. but that week just happened to be the week of Aqpik Jam, the annual music festival in Kuujjuaq.. so one of my best friends, A-M asked me to help her with the youth group, teach throat singing and drumming and stuff.. so i did that with her. and it was so fun.. I love working with that particular youth group, theyre so sweet and cute and talented! watching young girls become comfortable to throat sing on STAGE it makes me SO proud to know that i was able to help them gain that confidence :).... but can you imagne? I was working 14 hour days on top of that AND attending/performing the festival and partying like it was 1999! ugh.. whenever i come here, there's always a reason to party.. Im not huge on drinking but when all my friends from all over are in the same place, it's like WHY NOT? lol.. I ended up overdoing it.. so by the time the kids arrived, i was already on the verge of physical exhaustion.

The first few days of the camp were really hard.. really really hard. We had a lot of rules that didnt go over well with the youth, they complained (A LOT) some of them didnt get along, they didnt want to participate in activities and it was just hard to get people motivated.. I wasnt one of the nght moniters, so i got to go home to sleep each night, but by 830 am i would already be at work and the days only ended for me past 10pm.. combine my already tired body with my stressball mind and a really bad spell of H.Pylori bacteria in my tummy (which meant constant nausea, nothing i ate or drank would stay down and by day 5 i was in need of medical attention).. So i ended up in the hospital. i was put on IV to restore fluids in my incredibly dehydrated body and gravel to keep my food and drink down.. but i hate needles so much that i tried to convince the nurse not t put the IV in (can you imagine a patient trying to convince a nurse they dont need fluids by IV when they cant even pee to take a pregnancy test?).. she yelled at me "YOU HAVENT HAD ANYTHINHG FOR FIVE DAYS. YOU NEED THIS."so i sucked it up and i acted like a big girl and didnt cry when she put it in (I dont think my body could have mustered enough hydration for tears anyway).. I ended up falling asleep and dreaming about being on facebook, I woke up moving the hand that the iv was in as if it was on a laptop mouse pad..lol

Anyway, straight from the hospital i went back to work feeling amazing> i felt like a raisin that's just been soaked in water..lol so fresh an plump! lol but the kids were still on the negative low.. so i ended u pspanning. I sat them all in a circle and yelled at them about how much time, work, and money went into this project, how disrespectful they were being to the staff and instructors (world class circus people!!!) and how if that's the future of my region, i'm scared. After that little talk.. they were all pretty good.. it started getting better. but we still ended up sending a few of them home.. but after the ones that went home were gone (the most disrputive ones or ones that had crossed lines) the ones who were truely interested in being there could really shine! it was amazing to see how much the mood changed by the middle of the week...

I made some very wonderful young friends that I miss already (They got on their planes home today.. :( they broke my heart by leaving me!!!!).. i got lots of hugs, kisses, snuggles, high fives and even bites from 50 wonderful, beautiful inuit youth. I love them all. I cant even express how much they mean to me now.. they're so lovely, I just want to line them all up and knock them all down like dominoes! <3

One of the girls there really reminded me of myself when i was that age.. it's amazing. I love her and i always, always will.. and another oone of the girls that just amazed me with her talent and her grace and her strength.. she's spending the night with me now that camp is over :) I love it! and the BOYS! oh are the ever CUTE! ugh! such little ladies men! i love love love!

but after all the practicing we did.. the last day was pretty hectic.. we were all exhausted and just drained from the week and that very day, we lost another one of our peers to suicide which really affected the group because he was that same age as all the kids we had with us, and he was friends with many of them, but we had a show t put on and you know the show must go on! it ended up being completely, absolutely, truely, deeply, honestly just AMAZING. breathtaking even. I just dont even have the words to describe it. And teh cherry on top? Susan Aglukark had done a speaking presentation for the kids the day before then also performed at the end of the final show! it was just grand! lol

anyway, i'll try to continue this post more.. im exhausted and its past my girl's curfew and getting worried. it's scary to love someone and be waiting for them at a certain hour and they dont show up when they say they will.... I officially apologize to my parents.

open letter to all women.

Are you fat? Do you want lean, toned arms that dont jiggle? Do you have what some would call 'thunder thighs'? Seriously, take a good long look at yourself in the mirror... you never had that double chin before, and i bet you could hardly get your jeans on this morning.. hell, i bet you could sniff out any twinky within 500 feet. You should be ashamed of yourself. You are ugly. You are.. you're a heifer.. you'll never find a man with that body.

Sound familiar?.. maybe?..

I dont know about anyone else, but that's the message i get when i see weight loss, clothing, diet or even make up ads. That I am ugly, I should get that foundation.. i have so many blemishes.. Jenny Craig? I could lose 55lbs too?

it's sick.. Women are attacked every single day in mainstream media.. yea, i know i know.. what's new right?

But seriously.. I just wanted to send out a message to all the women out there.. You are not ugly.. you dont need that mascara, or to lose 10lbs (well, maybe you do but do it for your health and not for what people call 'beauty' these days)..

We're under so much pressure to be thin, to be pretty, to be sweet, docile women. We need to be hairless in certain places, if that means painful wax or time consuming shaving.. chemical hair removal.. even laser hair removal.. we need to have legs for days and eyelashes to match.. plumper lips, double D's and a plump round bum is what we need.. I mean.. we want to get married right? and to get pregnant (because you dont want to miss your chance to wear Kim Kardashian's maternity line)..

But think about it.. do you need to lose 10 lbs to be sexy or beautiful? or do you need to lose 10lbs to be healthy? or do you need to lose 10lbs at all?!

Lady you are gorgeous. You're tall, you're short.. you're thin or curvy.. A cups or D cups.. baby you've got it!! you are one amazing creature.. look at your body... it's a miracle! you are a cradle of life! I've never had a baby myself, but I have lots of friends who have.. it never ceases to amaze me what a female body can do! Inside your belly (when you are pregnant), you're constructing hair, bones, skin.. a human being. A human being just like you! you have feelings, you have opinions, you matter! and so will that thing that your body is able to create!

You matter too much to be feeling ugly. You deserve to feel confidant and beautiful because you are! in your own, special, unique way sweetheart you're absolutely magnificent. if you've got thin legs and knobby knees, or thunder thighs like me.. you are a gift wrapped in your own skin.. inside, you are a great person. regardless of what has happened to you in the past or what you've done or felt to/about yourself.. you dont deserve to feel shame. inside is a wonderful, beautiful woman just waiting to take on the world!

We need to start worrying about our mothers in abusive relationships, our sisters on the streets, our cousins who cut themselves or abuse themselves because they dont feel worth it. We need to stop worrying about how we'll manage to fit into that bathing suit by summer, or getting those boots that can accommodate our calves.

We need to redefine beauty. Do it for your daughter.