I am a flake, a poor, lost, confused little wanna-be birdie... help!!

the other day, i was talking to my dad about.. i dunno.. stuff.. we dont spend a lot of time together, only because we're always living in different places, so whenever we do finally get together we sort of 'catch up' on whats going on in our lives.

Then the subject of my future came up -as it usually does- and yea.. Those who really know me know that i'm a total flake. I have so many hopes and dreams and big ideas... I have so many opportunities and interests, and no focus.

Anyway, the conversation went like this:

Me: I want to learn to fly a plane. I wish more than anything i was born a bird, I want to be like Amelia Earhart.. i love Amelia Earhart.. I could get my private license in like a year at Cornwall.. but i dunno if i can live with KSB again right away.. it's not like i would become a pilot.. i just want to be able to fly a plane.. I also want to learn how to para sail.. you know, jump off cliffs with those giant kite wings.. I wish i could fly. But that's kind of unlikely right away.

Dad: well, KSB does offer the flying course at Cornwall.. but Air Inuit dosent need any new pilots right away, it would be hard for you to get a job

Me: I know, but like i said.. i wouldnt make it a career. i just wanna know how... that's probly not gonna happen right away tho. It depends on whether i renew my contract with NYHA.. if i do renew, i want to try to live in Montreal. I bet i could work from there since i travel a lot for work anyway.. there's no real need for me to be based here, it's almost not fair to all the other communities i supervise :P

Dad: When would you have to decide by?

Me: i want to move in like july if i do.. its 'moving season' right?.. but that's ONLY if i can renew my contract and live there too... i dont want to have to look for a different job. I would need a decent roommate too.. But I'm also seriously considering taking a midwifery course here. They have them in either POV, Inukjuak, Salluit and Kuujjuaq.. I would take it in Kuujjuaq or Inukjuak probably. Ajak said i can live with her in Kuujjuaq and have her car while im there.. Plus it would be cool to live in Kuujjuaq for a bit. I always thought it was cool that Anna was a midwife, plus so many of my friends have babies.. I'm just amazed by the human body, the female body! I feel like hospitals are a harsh environment to give birth in.. so impersonal and cold and rushed.. I think i would make a good midwife too..

Dad: that's cool that you're interested in midwifery, we definitely need more inuit midwives in Nunavik, especially on the Ungava side. It's amazing that [then he gave me some statistics about something, comparing the Hudson and Ungava hospitals on the maternity service they offer that i cant remember exactly and i dont want to misquote anyone] .. so something about only 20% of women on the Hudson coast had [that procedure where they cut to ease birth] compared to 80% on the Ungava coast. (or something like that)

Me: I'd also want to do a couple of contracts with Doctors Without Boarders as a midwife.. the website says they're always looking for midwives.. but the again, all i want to do is write. I want to take journalism in University.

Dad: then write!

Me: I do! dont you read my blog? i write a lot that i dont publish too.. it's pretty much all i do lately.. but if i were to take journalism, i would want to do it somewhere...like England!.. or something.. maybe Scandinavia?.. they have free university, but maybe i would rather live in an English speaking country to study journalism.. I'm already confused about languages in my head.. But KSB only funds school within Quebec and Canada.. I would need to find a way to finance it........................ I dunno!! I really dont know!!!

Dad: I wish i could have recorded this conversation. You just gave me like 4 completely different things you're interested in. you should take a career aptitude test

Me: But I KNOW what im interested in.. there's just so much that i cant focus on one thing

Dad: well, im glad you;re looking into different things, then you;ll eventually find the one you love...

And that, ladies and gentlemen is my dilemma.. I have no idea what to do with my life. I'm sorry to say too that this conversation outlines only a fraction of what i actually think about doing. If you have any advice at all.. any direction or suggestion you think i could use.. please dont hesitate to say it! I welcome (and actually kind of request) your input!

What should i DO?

Mmmm....

I love amazing food. I completely love it. it's probably one of my favorite things in life, the sensation of taste.. think about it! how often do you just eat to fill your stomach or kill time? now, how often do you actually enjoy your food?.. really really enjoy it and appreciate it for everything its is -sticky, gooey, sweet, savory, creamy, crunchy, flaky, smooth, hot, delicious... Mmmmmm..

I make a point of enjoying whatever it is I'm eating everyday. I just love food that much. Even if it's just bread and cheese, or fish eyes or banana split or leg of lamb or chocolate cheese cake or roast chicken or anything in the world.. just love it.

anyway, now that you know my opinion on food.. i will get to the point.......

I woke up this morning thinking about pancakes. Not just any pancakes. Perfect pancakes... Pancakes with my simplified cheesecake filling (I love raw cheese cake so much that i have a cream cheese recipe that requires no cooking but is exactly like cheesecake batter.. SO easy but it's a secret. sorry.).. cooked fruit filling (or topping in this case), melted milk chocolate (fondue) whipped cream and crushed cashews.. and maybe even ice cream! (I truely, deeply believe that anything in the world can be improved significantly by simply adding ice cream and drizzled chocolate.. seriously, try it sometime).. I was determined to have those pancakes today. But, of course the day ended up being pretty hectic.. first day back to work after an incredibly long easter break, mom travelling and a bunch of little things every friggin minute (yea, it was one of those days).. So, after 6 pots of amazing coffee, a canceled flight, a criminal record check and a near crash on icy roads, I could finally, finally start thinking about those pancakes.

I went over to my best friend's house in the evening, I had bought a pancake mix that requires no egg (usually, I make my own batter, but in a community of 180ish, small luxuries like eggs are not always available at your convenience) and brought it there earlier in the day, while she was out.. anyway, i barged into her kitchen (which is also mostly mine sometimes because i use it so often) and started making pancakes. I mixed the batter, adding cinnamon and sugar to try to mask the store-bought-ness of it.. but.. it was.. i dunno.........off......... for some reason, it didnt taste right, and i asked L (my friend, whose name i'll keep confidential) to try it.. she tasted it and said the same thing. I was like.. 'Fuck. no pancakes today? :( '.. then we asked our old friend (who is in town for work) to try and he said it was fine....... ok........ so i put it in the pan and just hoped it would be better cooked. It was. Thank god. thank freakin' god.

Mmmm but that was just the begining.. we had some frozen berries and a brand new slap chop to experiment with.. i like to keep things relatively simple, so after having my fun with the incredibly frustrating Slap Chop!.. i just put the berries in a saucepan with some sugar.. so simple, so amazing.

Mmmmmmmm and then my cream cheese filling.. sorry.. no recipe details :P naah naaah nah naaah naaaaah!.. But i will say that mixing cream cheese and milk requires a whisk for best presentation. If you just use a fork it looks kind of cottage cheese-y.. i didnt really care, so i left it that way at first... then L had to make some stupid vagina comment and i had to whisk it. I just had to.

The best part (besides eating it) was plating it.. Imagine two whole wheat pancakes with a BIG spoonful of cream cheese icing, cooked, warm berry filling and hot drizzled chocolate.. I wish i had my camera with me (I never think to bring it places).. oh! it's mouthwatering just picturing it back.. Mmmmmmmmmm.... **que long, awkward food porn fantasy***

yum.. it was yum.


The moral of this, ladies and gentlemen is....... Enjoy the hell out of your food. It's amazing and delicious and it pretty much keeps you alive.. need anymore convincing?