open letter to all women.

Are you fat? Do you want lean, toned arms that dont jiggle? Do you have what some would call 'thunder thighs'? Seriously, take a good long look at yourself in the mirror... you never had that double chin before, and i bet you could hardly get your jeans on this morning.. hell, i bet you could sniff out any twinky within 500 feet. You should be ashamed of yourself. You are ugly. You are.. you're a heifer.. you'll never find a man with that body.

Sound familiar?.. maybe?..

I dont know about anyone else, but that's the message i get when i see weight loss, clothing, diet or even make up ads. That I am ugly, I should get that foundation.. i have so many blemishes.. Jenny Craig? I could lose 55lbs too?

it's sick.. Women are attacked every single day in mainstream media.. yea, i know i know.. what's new right?

But seriously.. I just wanted to send out a message to all the women out there.. You are not ugly.. you dont need that mascara, or to lose 10lbs (well, maybe you do but do it for your health and not for what people call 'beauty' these days)..

We're under so much pressure to be thin, to be pretty, to be sweet, docile women. We need to be hairless in certain places, if that means painful wax or time consuming shaving.. chemical hair removal.. even laser hair removal.. we need to have legs for days and eyelashes to match.. plumper lips, double D's and a plump round bum is what we need.. I mean.. we want to get married right? and to get pregnant (because you dont want to miss your chance to wear Kim Kardashian's maternity line)..

But think about it.. do you need to lose 10 lbs to be sexy or beautiful? or do you need to lose 10lbs to be healthy? or do you need to lose 10lbs at all?!

Lady you are gorgeous. You're tall, you're short.. you're thin or curvy.. A cups or D cups.. baby you've got it!! you are one amazing creature.. look at your body... it's a miracle! you are a cradle of life! I've never had a baby myself, but I have lots of friends who have.. it never ceases to amaze me what a female body can do! Inside your belly (when you are pregnant), you're constructing hair, bones, skin.. a human being. A human being just like you! you have feelings, you have opinions, you matter! and so will that thing that your body is able to create!

You matter too much to be feeling ugly. You deserve to feel confidant and beautiful because you are! in your own, special, unique way sweetheart you're absolutely magnificent. if you've got thin legs and knobby knees, or thunder thighs like me.. you are a gift wrapped in your own skin.. inside, you are a great person. regardless of what has happened to you in the past or what you've done or felt to/about yourself.. you dont deserve to feel shame. inside is a wonderful, beautiful woman just waiting to take on the world!

We need to start worrying about our mothers in abusive relationships, our sisters on the streets, our cousins who cut themselves or abuse themselves because they dont feel worth it. We need to stop worrying about how we'll manage to fit into that bathing suit by summer, or getting those boots that can accommodate our calves.

We need to redefine beauty. Do it for your daughter.

i love hate it.

I cut my hair, wayy back in october.. Unless you knew me from before that time, you probably dont understand how significant that was for me. My hair!! I loved it.. i did and i still do. but before i cut it, it was the best.. it was, pouffy, curly, long, fabulous! Oh, and it was BIG. Think P!nk in the Lady Marmalade video, yea.. that big. I could pull the curls straight and it was the length of my arm. I knew each and every individual curl, I even had a favorite. My friends loved it, i was like a doll.. they would just play with it, braid it.. even attempt to comb it.

It wasnt just my friends who loved to play with it.. there's something about curly hair that makes people forget all their manners. On the bus, at the air port, in class.. people see curls, they automatically want to bounce them, to touch them, to fluff them up.. to pretend that the owner of that hair didnt wake up two hours early to get it that smooth, then attempt to run their fingers through it.

Anyway, Imagine my life, having to plan around that? I always wore my hair up.. always. It was SO much easier than dealing with people who wanted to touch it (and getting up two hours earlier in the day to deal with it). I'm very low maintenance (i know it might not seem like it but i am!) and I just didnt have the time or patience to really do a lot of crazy styles with it. (Long story short, i really just dont give a fuck)..

I remember growing up, I was the only little black girl in an Inuit community.. my hair was the only afro hair.. my mom had no idea what to do with it. We used to cry together while she attempted to comb it (we laugh about it now, but it was pretty traumatic for both of us).. I remember one day, after i had started combing my own hair (well past age 11).. she randomly said to me "Panik, I was SO happy when you started combing your own hair".. So was I mom. lol

Anyway so.. to get to the point.. When i cut my hair, it was a huge step for me in my life.. it was like a new beginning.. like growing up. I felt different after i cut it, like somehow i was more.. i dont know what i was more of actually.. but it certainly was different. I hated it.

I hated it so much, i hated it. I just dont know how else to say it..lol. it was so.... . . . . . short.. it was the length of my fingernail pulled straight.. i thought i looked like the Jackson 5.. it didnt help that my dad did the moonwalk every time he saw me that day. I cried for about 3 days, i mailed my hair to Angel Hair for Kids and told myself that someone will be so happy to have it.

So, 9 months later? what do i have? I have hair that's an awkward length and i have no clue what to do with it. All my go to fixes are irrelevant. I cant quite put it into an elastic (well i can, but it looks funny), I cant stuff it all under a beret, and the days of hiding under scarves are loong gone (it's too thick for most scarf-y styles to look good and it's too soft to hold anything on).. and it's too long for just a headband to look decent too....

But here it is.. in all of it's short/long/not-too-sure, pouffy, frizzy, curly, crazy, Macy Gray-esque glory...... . . . .my hair. i love/hate it.

Inuttituuqqajatsiaquunginama.. There. I said it.

Inuttitut is one of the strongest aboriginal languages in the world. Nunavik has the highest retention rate out of all the Inuit regions in Canada.. everyone speaks inuttitut, everyone understands words here and there, we all understand and even if we dont speak it, we get the point of the conversation. I used to consider myself a fluent inuttitut speaker, but the closer i look at the way i use the language, i'm starting to realize that i'm a bad speaker.

I'm honest to god a bad inuttitut speaker. I dont know the real inuttitut. When i speak, i mix english and inuttitut like it's my job. I mix sentences and even words. Seriously, I cant even complete a word in one language sometimes. Ex: "Mirror-ra sukkulaurtu when i closed the door, slam-kallasugu ilaaniungitu. Then i had to clean the saniks it made. Good thing i didnt kilik" That's the way i speak.. that's how most of my friends speak, we talk to each other like that. It's pathetic.. and the reason i do it is because im just lazy.. I recognize that it's going to be hard twork to change it, there are habits that need breaking and it's a lifestyle choice that im going to have to make.

People talk about the impending loss of the inuttitut language.. they discuss ways of saving it. Meetings, policy and workshops are held regularly to figure out how to keep it alive. But i can feel it dying inside of me.. with every English word i write, with every "hi" n place of "Ai".. every little thing i do, i'm contributing to the death of my mother tongue. It can happen in my lifetime.. mostly because it`s not just me doing it.. my peers all do it, that`s how we communicate with each other. Politicians keep trying to save it.. but none of thier work is of any use if we keep acting the way we do. No policy or workshop can make us change.. it needs to come from within.. we need to stop killing inuttitut.. we need to start speaking it. Properly.

Nunavik House in Rosemont and Villeray

A few months ago, I wrote a note about the abysmal state and location of Nunavik House, I drafted the petition that was then signed by over 200 Nunavimmiut demanding they find a new location.

The area of Notre-Dame-de-Grace that Nunavik House is at present, is one of the most dangerous places in the city of Montreal. The area is crawling with criminal activity; drugs, gangs, cheap motels and seedy bars are everywhere. That place, a place where you can’t walk alone at night, where you can’t escape the pushers and dealers, was the very place we sent our most vulnerable people to live and stay. No wonder there was an uprising, a revolution.. the people, our people, talked among themselves, sharing horror stories and concerns. It started with acceptance, what more could we ask for? We’re being treated by medical professionals in the south with all the newest technology. That quiet acceptance simmered into deep frustration. Why are we being put here? Into these circumstances? That frustration then boiled into anger and genuine fear. This is unacceptable; we have the right to security of person, especially during times of physical fragility.

The Inuit of Nunavik have never suffered for long in silence. We always find our voice at some point and we fight for our rights as Inuit, as Canadians and as human beings. The process is inevitable, we’re nobody’s doormat.

When we received news that Nunavik House will be moved to a safer part of the city, we celebrated. Another battle won, another step in the direction of a healthy society. Now we are being told we’re not welcome? Residents of Rosemont and Villeray launched a vicious, abusive, racist, ignorant campaign against the Nunavik House Project in their community. Their ill informed website (that i personally have not seen) alleged that the coming of Nunavik House would inevitably result in increased crime, drugs, prostitution, and urine smell among other things. Yes, urine smell. I’m no stranger to negative media about Inuit. Believe me, I’ve written post after post about it. But to say that an Inuit residence would bring the smell of urine into your community is, by far the most disgusting, insulting thing I’ve ever heard.

Why is it that the people of Rosemont and Villeray think Inuit would bring these things into their community? We have been begging to leave the very place where those things are abundant. Of course, the only information they hear about the Inuit is how much it sucks to be us. With the suicide rates, high infant mortality, smoking and alcoholism on the front page of every Inuit region, no wonder outsiders assume we’ll bring death and destruction.

When i read the article about Rosemont and Villeray i wanted to be angry. I wanted to become defensive. I wanted to launch a counter-attack on the hurtful message. But the more i think about it, the easier it is to see through their eyes. They don’t know the real story about Inuit –the full story. Inuit have the most gentle hearts, we understand true kindness; we have a beautiful language, we have beautiful art and amazing food. We have so much to offer the world, if they only knew, they would be excited to welcome a new demographic. Inuit could add a whole new cultural dimension to the community. The people of Rosemont and Villeray would no doubt be exposed to some of the most talented artists, to throat singers and elders and big cheeked babies. They could learn the art of the kunik, an Eskimo kiss –the simple joy in the smell of a newborn. They could try nikkuk and the brave ones could try misirak. They would learn so much about fellow Canadians. About people that seem so far removed, but are really, very accessible. The potential for creating peace between Canadian Inuit and their southern counterparts is immense.

Inuit really do have so much to offer, they’ve just been living in fear and uncertainty in NDG. We don’t have the opportunity to spread the beauty in our culture when we’re surrounded by the ugliest parts of urban culture. To the people of Rosemont and Villeray I encourage you to learn more about Inuit, from Inuit. Together, we can create a beautiful mosaic of Canadian culture in the little borough you call home.

Open Letter to Maria M and Irini T

Dear Irini and Maria, I know i told you both I would be back in the winter semester. It was easier for me in my emotional state to lie, than it was to explain my entire situation and plans that i had already made. I hope you can forgive me for that. I felt the need to write you both, even though you probably might never see this post. It's something that is slowly eating away at me -the guilt of just disappearing from your classrooms so suddenly.

I remember when i started the semester, I was very excited about being in the Liberal Arts program, even jurik (which is an inuttitut word for 'proud/cocky') because I was KSB's first student to enter the program, and i knew very well that i would be able to complete it if i set my mind to it. The thing is tho, that i had never really set my mind to it. I had just completed a year at Nunavut Sivuniksavut, which is an amaaazing post secondary program for Nunavut Students. It was originally created to train field workers to implement the Nunavut Land Claims Agreement. I was one of two students from Nunavik to do the program, the first two actually. The year I spent at NS with my 3 phenomenal classmates and truly gifted instructors shaped me and defined me more than i could have realized.

We spent the year learning, not in the conventional 'teacher teaches you' way, but in a very old way. The way in which Inuit would teach their children before colonial powers took that away. To Inuit, education was not separate from life. Rather life was education, you learn from doing, seeing and being. We learned by trial and error, by conversation, by play and through pain. We experienced a way of learning that we, as first generation 'community inuit' had never been exposed to. We were not taken from the land into schools as our parents were, they are the generation that was forced to learn a new way of learning. We are the generation that only knows the new way of learning. Your way of learning; your way of teaching. You stand at the front of the room with your chalk and your notes and you feed us information. You feed us what you have been told is important, so you tell us it's important.

Irini, I know you're passionate about the ancient philosophers, it's obvious in the way you teach and know. I admire that in you. Your history is that of Socrates and Plato, you can trace your roots back to them, they provide you with the wisdom through which you see the world. They give you the foundations upon which you live and function in the world, even 2000 years later. It's beautiful because it works for you. It applies to you, whereas it does not apply to me. I don't care about what they thought of fire, water, bile and blood. Their wisdom, as valuable and legitimate as it is, doesn't belong in my world. I grew up with the arctic sun, chasing lemmings under ply wood and catching fish from the streams with my hands. My grandfather took me hunting, my grandmother taught me to be an inuit woman. She even threw a party for me when i threaded my first needle. They have since passed, but their wisdom is what I need. I can take ownership of that knowledge. I cannot take ownership of what Aristotle says, you can; i can acknowledge, i can listen and discuss, but i can't give that knowledge a home in me. Not when my nukak is still alive to pass her knowledge of my people, my history and my peoples' philosophy.

Maria, I loved you. I think you're such a sweet, fun, charismatic teacher. I would go to your classes just to be around your energy. I know you were teaching the 'world's' religions strictly from an academic point of view, not because you are or are not religious. I know that our journey into the bible, the torrah and the greeks' mythology was just for education, so that we could understand the way those books have shaped the world. But please understand that I have come from a culture that has been destroyed by the 'truths' in the bible. My people didnt even have a place in the creation story. Genesis gives 'us' the 'truth' of creation and purpose. It's there to ultimately explain our role as human beings on earth. But it's very exclusive in its explanations. Genesis is the story of farmers, sedentary people whose ultimate goal is to procreate -tame the land and multiply, that's what god wishes of humans. For them to go forth and conquer and use land; to reshape it and colonize it as they see fit, the land was given to them to use. The Inuit way of life is considered savage and sub-human in the bible's idea of humanity. Even to this day, academic and lay people alike consider the 'hunter-gatherer' prehistoric and underdeveloped. The ability to survive in the natural world is seen as 'wild' and the idea that one needs to control the environment is 'progressive'. We (Inuit) live in what agriculturalists consider the margins of the inhabitable world. You couldn't grow a pile of shit if you tried. Trying to take what the bible says and apply it to life in the world of 24 hour darkness and -40 temperatures is next to impossible (I know, all the religious Inuit are going to be offended by this post. I'm sorry, I dont really care).

Anyway, Irini and Maria.. I really just wanted to apologize and thank you as well. Thank you for trying to help me. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for everything you do. Keep teaching, you're both excellent at it.

p.s. I'm sorry i never did any of the readings or put any effort into the papers. Seriously, I am sorry, not just to you guys but to myself. I could have gained a lot..

I am a flake, a poor, lost, confused little wanna-be birdie... help!!

the other day, i was talking to my dad about.. i dunno.. stuff.. we dont spend a lot of time together, only because we're always living in different places, so whenever we do finally get together we sort of 'catch up' on whats going on in our lives.

Then the subject of my future came up -as it usually does- and yea.. Those who really know me know that i'm a total flake. I have so many hopes and dreams and big ideas... I have so many opportunities and interests, and no focus.

Anyway, the conversation went like this:

Me: I want to learn to fly a plane. I wish more than anything i was born a bird, I want to be like Amelia Earhart.. i love Amelia Earhart.. I could get my private license in like a year at Cornwall.. but i dunno if i can live with KSB again right away.. it's not like i would become a pilot.. i just want to be able to fly a plane.. I also want to learn how to para sail.. you know, jump off cliffs with those giant kite wings.. I wish i could fly. But that's kind of unlikely right away.

Dad: well, KSB does offer the flying course at Cornwall.. but Air Inuit dosent need any new pilots right away, it would be hard for you to get a job

Me: I know, but like i said.. i wouldnt make it a career. i just wanna know how... that's probly not gonna happen right away tho. It depends on whether i renew my contract with NYHA.. if i do renew, i want to try to live in Montreal. I bet i could work from there since i travel a lot for work anyway.. there's no real need for me to be based here, it's almost not fair to all the other communities i supervise :P

Dad: When would you have to decide by?

Me: i want to move in like july if i do.. its 'moving season' right?.. but that's ONLY if i can renew my contract and live there too... i dont want to have to look for a different job. I would need a decent roommate too.. But I'm also seriously considering taking a midwifery course here. They have them in either POV, Inukjuak, Salluit and Kuujjuaq.. I would take it in Kuujjuaq or Inukjuak probably. Ajak said i can live with her in Kuujjuaq and have her car while im there.. Plus it would be cool to live in Kuujjuaq for a bit. I always thought it was cool that Anna was a midwife, plus so many of my friends have babies.. I'm just amazed by the human body, the female body! I feel like hospitals are a harsh environment to give birth in.. so impersonal and cold and rushed.. I think i would make a good midwife too..

Dad: that's cool that you're interested in midwifery, we definitely need more inuit midwives in Nunavik, especially on the Ungava side. It's amazing that [then he gave me some statistics about something, comparing the Hudson and Ungava hospitals on the maternity service they offer that i cant remember exactly and i dont want to misquote anyone] .. so something about only 20% of women on the Hudson coast had [that procedure where they cut to ease birth] compared to 80% on the Ungava coast. (or something like that)

Me: I'd also want to do a couple of contracts with Doctors Without Boarders as a midwife.. the website says they're always looking for midwives.. but the again, all i want to do is write. I want to take journalism in University.

Dad: then write!

Me: I do! dont you read my blog? i write a lot that i dont publish too.. it's pretty much all i do lately.. but if i were to take journalism, i would want to do it somewhere...like England!.. or something.. maybe Scandinavia?.. they have free university, but maybe i would rather live in an English speaking country to study journalism.. I'm already confused about languages in my head.. But KSB only funds school within Quebec and Canada.. I would need to find a way to finance it........................ I dunno!! I really dont know!!!

Dad: I wish i could have recorded this conversation. You just gave me like 4 completely different things you're interested in. you should take a career aptitude test

Me: But I KNOW what im interested in.. there's just so much that i cant focus on one thing

Dad: well, im glad you;re looking into different things, then you;ll eventually find the one you love...

And that, ladies and gentlemen is my dilemma.. I have no idea what to do with my life. I'm sorry to say too that this conversation outlines only a fraction of what i actually think about doing. If you have any advice at all.. any direction or suggestion you think i could use.. please dont hesitate to say it! I welcome (and actually kind of request) your input!

What should i DO?

Mmmm....

I love amazing food. I completely love it. it's probably one of my favorite things in life, the sensation of taste.. think about it! how often do you just eat to fill your stomach or kill time? now, how often do you actually enjoy your food?.. really really enjoy it and appreciate it for everything its is -sticky, gooey, sweet, savory, creamy, crunchy, flaky, smooth, hot, delicious... Mmmmmm..

I make a point of enjoying whatever it is I'm eating everyday. I just love food that much. Even if it's just bread and cheese, or fish eyes or banana split or leg of lamb or chocolate cheese cake or roast chicken or anything in the world.. just love it.

anyway, now that you know my opinion on food.. i will get to the point.......

I woke up this morning thinking about pancakes. Not just any pancakes. Perfect pancakes... Pancakes with my simplified cheesecake filling (I love raw cheese cake so much that i have a cream cheese recipe that requires no cooking but is exactly like cheesecake batter.. SO easy but it's a secret. sorry.).. cooked fruit filling (or topping in this case), melted milk chocolate (fondue) whipped cream and crushed cashews.. and maybe even ice cream! (I truely, deeply believe that anything in the world can be improved significantly by simply adding ice cream and drizzled chocolate.. seriously, try it sometime).. I was determined to have those pancakes today. But, of course the day ended up being pretty hectic.. first day back to work after an incredibly long easter break, mom travelling and a bunch of little things every friggin minute (yea, it was one of those days).. So, after 6 pots of amazing coffee, a canceled flight, a criminal record check and a near crash on icy roads, I could finally, finally start thinking about those pancakes.

I went over to my best friend's house in the evening, I had bought a pancake mix that requires no egg (usually, I make my own batter, but in a community of 180ish, small luxuries like eggs are not always available at your convenience) and brought it there earlier in the day, while she was out.. anyway, i barged into her kitchen (which is also mostly mine sometimes because i use it so often) and started making pancakes. I mixed the batter, adding cinnamon and sugar to try to mask the store-bought-ness of it.. but.. it was.. i dunno.........off......... for some reason, it didnt taste right, and i asked L (my friend, whose name i'll keep confidential) to try it.. she tasted it and said the same thing. I was like.. 'Fuck. no pancakes today? :( '.. then we asked our old friend (who is in town for work) to try and he said it was fine....... ok........ so i put it in the pan and just hoped it would be better cooked. It was. Thank god. thank freakin' god.

Mmmm but that was just the begining.. we had some frozen berries and a brand new slap chop to experiment with.. i like to keep things relatively simple, so after having my fun with the incredibly frustrating Slap Chop!.. i just put the berries in a saucepan with some sugar.. so simple, so amazing.

Mmmmmmmm and then my cream cheese filling.. sorry.. no recipe details :P naah naaah nah naaah naaaaah!.. But i will say that mixing cream cheese and milk requires a whisk for best presentation. If you just use a fork it looks kind of cottage cheese-y.. i didnt really care, so i left it that way at first... then L had to make some stupid vagina comment and i had to whisk it. I just had to.

The best part (besides eating it) was plating it.. Imagine two whole wheat pancakes with a BIG spoonful of cream cheese icing, cooked, warm berry filling and hot drizzled chocolate.. I wish i had my camera with me (I never think to bring it places).. oh! it's mouthwatering just picturing it back.. Mmmmmmmmmm.... **que long, awkward food porn fantasy***

yum.. it was yum.


The moral of this, ladies and gentlemen is....... Enjoy the hell out of your food. It's amazing and delicious and it pretty much keeps you alive.. need anymore convincing?